4.       Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the essay’s thesis?  Is it clear to you how each of the paragraphs relate to the description or observation the writer is providing?  Why/or why not?   Indicate the paragraph(s) that don’t seem to fit the focus of the essay below:

I think all of the paragraphs relate to the thesis very nicely.  They all relate to events leading to the incident and after the incident which pull together the reason for writing the essay.  I think it is very clear what she is trying to do with the essay and with a little more added detail it will portray an even better image of what she is trying to convey.  All of her paragraphs fit the main focus of the essay.

5.       Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently?  Do the main ideas seem logically organized (using chronological or least-to-most important or spatial order, for example)? Why/or why not?  Note the paragraph(s) that seems out of order below:

Her essay flowed very nicely with the beginning paragraph relating to the fear of walking back to her dorm.  The second explaining the incident, and the ones following explaining the final outcome and the revelation she received.

6.       Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically?  Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected?  Let the writer know which paragraphs need transitions.  What could the writer do to make the connection between the main ideas expressed in the individual paragraphs and the thesis clearer?

I think her paragraphs all transition very well and the paper flows smoothly.  She shows her feelings throughout the essay so that the readers can relate.  Adding a little more detail to her emotional state at the time would make it better.

7.       Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper.  Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement.  What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?

I really liked the fact that she caught my attention in the beginning; I felt suspense throughout the whole paper.  Besides the additions I have suggested previously the paper needs major proofreading.  There are words misspelled along with grammatical errors which can be fixed very easily.  I think adding a little more detail to some parts of the essay and critiquing the grammar will make the paper a great read!