Peer Review

Chelsea Adams

Megan Elleser (“Going for the Win”)

1.       Are you able to picture the characters in your head?  What other character related details (age, height, personality, interests, etc.) would enable you to “see” the writer’s characters on the page?

It is very easy to picture the characters in Megan Elleser’s “Going for the Wind” essay.  I felt like I was cheering her on to win the white ribbon as I was reading the story.  She refers to her arm as little which paints a picture of a small determined fifth grade girl going for the gold.  I think she did a very good job explaining her character.  I also thought she did a good job at explaining the other kids which were running in the race.  I think she could have been a little more precise on maybe if they were taller than her, or in what other ways they posed a threat to her winning the race.  I had a hard time finding anything wrong with this essay, and it was a joy to read.

2.       Does it seem like an essential major or minor character is missing from the story? What other characters would you like to see in the story?  Are there any major or minor characters that you could cut from the story?  Why/or why not?

I think she could bring out her dad’s role in the story a little more.  She mentions how he helped her practice throwing the softball towards the beginning of the story, but I think she could add a little more to show off their relationship.  If she added something like “after missing the target and losing the challenge she looked up in the stands to see her dad still cheering her on and giving her motivation to push through to the next challenge”.  I think this will bring out their supportive father, daughter relationship.

I also think she could add a little more background information on the athletic kid she says she always resented in the fourth paragraph.  She could add the reasons she doesn’t favor this kid.

3.       Is the plot/action entertaining?  What could the writer do to “spice” up the action or captivate your attention? 

I think the plot is very entertaining, and I definitely was intrigued to read more as the story progressed.  I think she explained the way she was feeling very well and I was easily able to understand what she was going through.  I think she did a very good job at catching, and keeping the reader’s attention along with the details of what her character was feeling as she stepped up to compete.

4.       Can you picture where the story takes place?  Why or Why not?  What else could the writer do to establish the setting of the story?

I pictured the story taking place outside on a track until I read closer and saw it took place in the gymnasium.  I think she could put more emphasis on the setting in the story or just simply stating in the beginning the whole day took place inside.  I think this would give a more concrete picture to the reader of where it took place.

5.       Where in the draft could the writer add more description or background?  Where would you like to have more specific who, what, when, where, why, or how details?

As I have mentioned above, being more descriptive of the other kids she was competing against, bringing out where the story actually took place, and also her dad having more of a role in the story.  Other than these small revisions I think she did a great job portraying the other aspects of the story.

6.       Does the dialogue in the story seem realistic?  What could the writer do to improve the dialogue?  Where would you like to see less/more dialogue?

There wasn’t a lot of dialogue in the story which I don’t think impacted it a whole lot.  I think she could add dialogue when she goes up to greet her parents, or maybe her parents saying they’re proud of her for the excellent job she did during the events.  I think adding dialogue would be a great addition to her essay.

7.       What can the writer do to make this story better?

I don’t think she should start the very last paragraph with the preposition “through”.  I think she should think of another way to start off the ending paragraph.  Other than that I didn’t notice any other grammatical errors throughout the story and thought it was very good!